day like this.

I’m running out of paper. I write a lot lately — be it listing my pleasure and mastery skillset, gratitude notes, short- & long-term goals, or simply journaling what I feel. I usually have leftover papers with me, guess I’m running out of them now.

Day like this confuses me. I was doing my things as per usual — did my workout, had my steps. But when I went back to my room, I felt low. No triggers. I felt like crying of things that remind unknown until now. Then I cried. I bring up the past that no longer have anything to do with me, just so I have something to cry on. I cried so hard that it was/is obvious if you look at me in the eye. Do that past is not in the past yet — mentally?

Day like this frustrates me. I’m so driven by logic — much better if there is a number parameter. As proverb stated, numbers can’t lie. But feeling low has no number and I can’t come up with any logical reason of why this feeling is appearing. Maybe I need to count on how many times this feeling arises in a month? Maybe I need to count on how long was the past is happening towards today?

I understand that I need to feel whatever I feel right now. Embrace it. Validate it. Regulate it. This feeling makes me human. Feeling low is normal. Crying is normal. Confusion and frustration are also normal.

But, why? Why do I feel this feeling when the triggers are not even on to start with?