self-love and money.

in the middle of feeling okay, demotivated, and physically healthiest.

all good, things are completely fine — or at least 85% of things. which is great? right?

then of c, whether it is a curse or a blessing — our brain works. i currently am doing a social media detox as another gift for myself — though i still open my social media through web once in a while. so externally, not much of trigger. but my internal self has another story.

it’s like my brain keep digging in, trying to find a problem within myself while I’m in my bestest form physically & mentally this December. and I lost, the brain found something intrigued deep inside myself.

do i love myself enough? have i love myself enough?

the trigger: i was buying stuff for someone i barely know as if it was nothing — just some clothes and phone holder to be exact. it costed enough, but wouldn’t make me poor.

then i got into my room and looking at the mirror: not the first time. this happened A LOT. i always claimed that my love language to others is giving gifts and others to me is act of service. however, what got me thinking is: what is my love language to myself?

dare i say, i was beyond stingy to myself. i can locked up myself in my room for days just to save some money eating only whatever I have in my room. my highest spending on someone was about 5mio while I would think twice to buy myself things cost me more than 200k.

it is fine. but it is not truly fine.

what’s gotten into me?

financially, i think I’m doing fine. i got my first 3 digit within 6 months in my first permanent job. I’m hella proud of it.

financial wise, i currently am applying the terms: if I have the money to buy 10pcs of a product, then i can buy it. be it shoe, phone, camera — whatever.

the things is: i have the money and I can afford them. why would I buy stuff only for people instead for myself? am I lacking in giving myself love?

i do have some wishlist. if I want to purchase them all, i definitely can. but, should I? why do I have this hesitation?

will i regret not buying things right now? will i feel like I fulfill the love i need to give to myself after I purchase them all?

do i love myself enough? thoroughly? wholeheartedly?

can I judge the love i have for myself by buying or not buying things?